I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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