Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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