Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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