I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
