so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
