i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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