If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
