Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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