He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
