I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
