he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
