is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
