Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
