i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
