sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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