This is not my ceiling
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You made out with two different species that night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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