i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
