I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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