That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
