Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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