So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
