did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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