now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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