I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
