Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
