Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
