Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
