I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
