Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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