I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
