M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
