1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
