it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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