All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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