I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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