Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
