Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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