awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
