Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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