In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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