Cold hands, warm shart.
I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
