I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
