did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
