Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
