i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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