Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
