seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
