Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
