Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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