Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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