I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
