Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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