I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
