She is in my trunk
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
